Category Archives: Random thoughts
Sometimes, strength is physical. Sometimes it is something more.
This is my blog post about my past, which I am sharing with you all, as mental struggles are still taboo in many places. It is important to shed light upon mentally ill people, to show the world, there is a future even when it does not feel like it. To show the world, that mentally illness does not mean, you are less of a person. And to show, that you are not alone.
I hope my humble post can explain a few things, possibly change a view or two, or be a support to someone out there. Feel free to comment, should you have any questions.
I was a regular kid. Growing up in an average family, two siblings, mum and dad. My family was a loving and caring one, and both my parents are educated teachers. I recall my first years as being happy. I read fluently at age 4, I had an easy start in school, and I believe I was lucky to be blessed with such a good start in life.
When I was seven years, we moved. I started in a new school, in a small village. I was told, I did not belong in the new class, as I was an outsider. I was beaten up a couple times, chased by the class bully.
I considered running away from home several times, I would hide clothes in the garden, prepare a lunchbox and plan where to go. My mood started being unstable, teachers spoke about a temper.
When I was ten, my parents got divorced. My father found a new woman, and we kids were told about this, after I accidentally told my father that I had already guessed it. I guess I afterwards believed, I had caused it.
I moved with my mother to a small ghetto-like suburb. She got a job at minimum wage, and kept strict supervision of her expenses to keep us kids fed and clothed. At age ten, I cooked dinner, got my little sister ready for public school in the morning, cleaned the house, and comforted my mother, when she was tired and sad due to the divorce.
I was not very popular in school. My teachers kept speaking of a bad temper and fits of rage. Around the age of thirteen, I started starving and cutting myself. I got more and more focused on my non-existent eating habits, and at age fifteen, I went to a boarding school, where it all got out of hand. I ran seven kilometers each morning, had scheduled twenty-two hours of athletics a week, and went to the gym in the evening. I still did not eat. At some point, I stopped going on the scale, as I “was too fat”. My BMI was 14,85 at the time. My school nurse called my mum, and informed her. My mum chose not to speak to me about it, as she was afraid to push me. She expected I would come to her, if I wanted to talk. Hence, I thought for years, that she did just not care.
I got home from boarding school, and my self-mutilation got worse. I got the food under control, instead binge eating and vomiting. I hated myself. I hated my voice and my reflection. I could physically slam my head into the wall repeatedly, just to cause myself harm, and pain. My thoughts spinned into a downwards spiral, running out of control.
At some point, I started believing, that I did not belong on earth. That I had been born by a mistake. That people would be better off without me. I felt people in the bus staring at me, due to me being so hideous. I felt like they could see what a freak I truly was on the inside.
I was extremely good at keeping up appearances though. I could be at work, smile, laugh and smalltalk, then return home to harm myself.
When I was eighteen, I attempted suicide. The thought had been on my mind for a long while, I had spent a few years considering how and when to do it. I ended up drinking a bottle of wine and eating 50 paracetamols. Then I went to sleep.
I have been told, that a friend, sitting at a party in the other end of the city, decided to call me. I answered the phone, but sounded blurry. She chose to call an ambulance, luckily. They broke down my door, and carried me out. I was driven to the hospital, I recall a paramedic in the ambulance, getting me awake at some point, I heard him ask, ”Why do girls like you do this?” I do not recall if I replied. I was driven to the hospital and had my stomach pumped. I had to drink active coal, and spent some days in the hospital, while they medically treated me for liver damage. Then I was transferred to a mental institution, where I spent a couple weeks.
A person I had met shortly before that incident came to visit me at the hospital. He supported me all the way, and we started dating. It was a bit of a bumpy ride, but I was very much in love. Most likely, I would have fallen in love with anyone, who showed me they cared. I was vulnerable, and craving to feel loved, as I could not love myself.
When we had been together for almost half a year, I went to an eighteen years birthday party with a classmate. I was outside smoking, and a seemingly nice and friendly guy talked a bit with me. I had a little to drink, was terribly young and naive, and in a good mood. I was freezing a bit, but the noise inside was heavy from the music, so when he suggested we sat in his car and talked, I saw it as a kind gesture, and nothing else. That is one of my biggest mistakes ever. Could I walk back in time, and warn myself, I would have. Sadly, I cannot. I have blamed myself for this decision ever since.
Inside the car, he was suddenly all over me. I froze, I panicked, I recall my mind screaming on the inside “This is not real, this is not real, THIS IS NOT REAL!” I do not recall much else.
At some point, I got out of the car, he went around, and got me inside, telling people I was drunk. I was shocked, and placed down on the floor, where I curled up, and started crying. He fled the party, and drove off in his car, while intoxicated.
The others at the party finally realized something was wrong, and called the cops. I was picked up, and driven to the station, where I was questioned, then to the hospital for a checkup. At some point, I got permission to go to the bathroom, which was when I realized my panties were upside down. I still did not fully realize what had happened. Early in the morning, I was driven home, and as the first thing, rushed out into the shower, spending a couple hours there, to get the dirty feeling washed off, without luck.
He was charged with attempt of rape. Later, the lab results confirmed sexual intercourse, due to DNA. He was questioned. He admitted to have heard me crying, whimpering, and proclaimed to have stopped due to it. The DNA results stated otherwise. Still, the prosecutor decided to drop the case, due to lack of evidence. Because I froze, I did not have enough bruises. Him fleeing the scene, or admitting to hearing my cry, was not enough.
Not long after, I moved in with my boyfriend. I was scared to be home alone. I was scared when a car pulled up next to me. I was afraid of the dark.
My boyfriend supported me. He stood by my side, and believed my story. Then he started drinking more. Over the course of a few months, he got more and more drunk, until he was drunk on a daily basis. He did drugs too, speed and coke, mainly. I preferred drugs above alcohol in his case, as they did not change him as much mentally.
He blamed me for the rape when drunk. His eyes changed, from the nice guy I knew, into the eyes of a total stranger. He would be cruel and hostile. Many nights, I ended up hiding in bed, hearing him getting drunk in the living room, playing loud Rammstein (How I hate their songs even today). I would be crying, and begging silently that he would not recall me, in his drunken state. Sometimes he did.
I isolated myself more and more, my friends went absent, as I was too busy keeping up appearances, hiding bottles and the shame. I heard a couple times, that he was cheating on me, from various sources, but even that was not enough to make me leave.
When I was twenty, I finally found the courage to leave him. He had been drunk as usual, and threw a chair after me. He proceeded to attempt strangling me, threatening to throw me out of the window on fourth floor. I managed to fight my way out of his hands, and ended up being kicked down the stairs, as I fled out the door. I returned one time after, accompanied by his father for safety measures. It was just to pick up my most needed belongings, it took about half an hour, and then I was out.
I spent the following years burying myself in work to avoid dealing with anything. When I was twenty-two, I found my second boyfriend, the one I am married to now. He was the opposite of my ex, and that was a big plus in my book.
At age twenty-four, I broke down. I attempted suicide again; leaving a suicide note on my guild website, of all places, and went out to jump from a bridge. A random stranger stopped me. My guildies had tracked me down IRL in the meantime, and contacted my boyfriend, as well as my father. They got to me, and I was hospitalized once again. I was ill for three years. At some point, the shrink would give me tasks like “This week; your goal is to shower” or “This week; try to get out of bed.” I would look out the window, and it was snowstorm, the next time I looked out, it was summer, and I had no idea where time had went.
World of Warcraft became my refuge. I played fifteen hours a day, every day. I was unstable, had panic attacks, and switched server four times, fleeing everyone, as I could not keep relations with others. I gained thirty kilos, mainly due to medication. Luckily, I was slim before, but I still struggle to cope with it.
Slowly and surely, with meds and therapy, I got better though. I have had fallbacks since, but it is still going the right direction. I ended up being diagnosed with depression, anxiety and emotional unstable personality disorder.
I still have a horrible self-image. Whenever I take a picture of myself for Twitter or Facebook, rest assured, I have an app, which takes multiple pictures. I usually take around 1800 pictures, and select the one picture, I do not find horrid, out of the bunch. I still dislike it. However, I choose one nonetheless.
I still speak about myself as fat, ugly, pathetic and other kind adjectives. I know I should not, but it is tough when you loathe yourself.
I do not have friends outside World of Warcraft. I get scared IRL, and flee from people if they get too close. My husband has friends, and I manage to meet with them from time to time. Usually I just do not try getting to know new people. It is easier that way.
I still have panic attacks from time to time. They are usually connected to fear of people abandoning me.
Thirty-three years have passed by now. Fifteen since my life was changed by a rapist. It will never be the same again. I will never trust people like I once did.
I am overall alright though, and should you have read this, due to feeling like I once did, then rest assured:
Even when you cannot see it yourself, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
As some of you possibly read on Twitter, I am getting married August 8th!
We are not religious people, so we are going to the mayors office to be married, and furthermore planning to keep the celebration very casual and informal.
We have rented a house for a weekend, and ordered a butcher to provide a feast, including an entire roasted pig, plenty salads, potatoes in various ways, pasta and so on. For dessert we definitely plan on icecream, as it’s my huge weakness. Starters are yet to be decided. Then we are asking friends and family to come by, eat and drink as much as they desire, and then go have a cosy time enjoying the company.
We will have games and such – the house are surrounded by very nice nature and a big lawn, so our loved ones can play football and petanque or if possible, we might even borrow a small pool somewhere – in case it’s hot weather. Furthermore the house has it’s own bouncing castle – big enough for childish adults – so I’m certain we’ll have a fun day 🙂
I tried to convince the boyfriend to get an orc themed wedding – but sadly he was not excited about that idea. I would have loved it personally, but oh well… I guess that’s what they mean, when they say relationships are about compromises.
Don’t tell him, but I’m planning to get some awesome artist to commission a big painting of my vanilla char and his vanilla char together, aka the chars we played when we met ingame, as part of his wedding gift.
I still remember the day, back in vanilla, when we talked on MSN, and he admitted that he might have grown a bit fond of me.
I recall how he got drunk in the early beginning of our relationship, and I knew he was one of the good guys, when he sat down on the floor, hugging my leg in his drunken condition, and told me he loved me.
We have shared a lot of good times ingame and IRL, and our share of not-so fun times as well. When I tried to commit suicide at age 24, he left work to fetch me, got me prof. help, and spent time with me ingame, rerolling low level alts, just to be a bit on our own, as I struggled being social with my guild etc.
Over the years, he has always been there, even when I’ve been impossible, yelled at the poor guy, or cried my heart out due to my condition.
After 9,5 years, he still giggles at my facial expression each night when I brush my teeth.
After 9,5 years, he still supports me everyday, and I’ve gotten to love every single oddity about him, good and bad.
My boyfriend sings two words of a song, then laughs at me, as I cannot help but continue it… every single time.
And he looks at me with a big smile, and love in his eyes everytime we watch a movie, and I either cry, bury my head beneath the blanket in fear, or move my lips accordingly to the words spoken on the screen.
And yes, sometimes he annoys me too, when he insists on me seeing some trailer, I’m not interested in seeing, or fails at keeping the apartment clean with me – that guy just doesn’t know how to use a vacuum cleaner.
But you know? In the end of the day, I feel very very lucky, because I joined a guild in vanilla, and met my boyfriend ingame. Thank you Blizzard.
So, I’ve decided to learn to draw. My tools are regular pencils, an eraser – and that’s about it.
Avg. paper for your everyday copying machine – once I get better, I might demand more.
The following pictures are the 2nd, 3rd and 4th drawing I’ve made since I was a kid, aka in the last 20 years.
I’ve never received any tutoring in drawing – so I’m just trying to look at other pictures and tutorials.
The latter is a work in progress – I’m far from done with it. But my first attempt ever at a human face, which did not belong to a stickman.
So, I often hear people on Twitter, mentioning visitting Denmark for some reason.
Thus I grant you: Zugrah’s guide to geekplaces!
Labitat.dk – their own description: Labitat is a hackerspace in CPH. We are a group of people with diverse interests in technology. We are an independent physical space, working creatively with technology, bridging interactive technology with design and art.
… and we love new faces!
Place: 7 H. C. Ørsteds Vej, Copenhagen.
TL:DR This place invents new cool stuff – currently working on the foodputer amongst other things.
Chassisarcade.dk – Their own description: Every Wednesday the arcade is packed and a group of us moves on to a bar and game on a retro system on their big screen. Everyone is welcome and the competitions that day are all free, we even provide some free beer/soda/crisps around 18:00.
Place: Faksegade 19, 2100 Østerbro, Copenhagen, Denmark
Price: Free, unless you want to play, then it’s 2-5 DKK each credit.
TL:DR This place offers you the opportunity to play on old computers, arcade machines and so forth!
Places: Skindergade 27, 1159 København K (Roleplaying and comics), Jernbanepladsen 63,
2800 Kongens Lyngby (A diverse selection from the CPH shop in a city north of Copenhagen)
Price: Free, until you ruin yourself buying comics, roleplaying gear and so many geek things, you didn’t even know you lacked.
TL:DR This place have a lot of roleplaying gear, comics, LARP items, Magic cards, roleplaying litterature and much more.
Place: Sankt Peders Stræde 18, Copenhagen
Price: Free until you ruin yourself from buying all the things you MUST own!
TL:DR – perhaps THE best place for comics in Denmark.
Experimentarium.dk – Their own description: We offer: Consultancy in a variety of areas including development of a business plan, administration, finance, management, fundraising, and marketing of science centers and other educational centers
Development, design and production of individual interactive installations and exhibits, as well as the exhibition as a whole
Development, design and production of innovative elements for playgrounds, school yards and similar scenarios
Place: Trangravsvej 12, Copenhagen
Price: 105-160 DKK
TL:DR Experiment and be a child trying out odd fun stuff for a few hours.
http://copenhagensuborbitals.com/ – Their own description: Copenhagen Suborbitals is a non-profit suborbital space endeavour based entirely on sponsors, private donors and part time specialists. Since May 2008 we have been working full time to reach our goal of launching a human being into space and to show the world that human space flight is possible without major government budgets and administration.
Place: Refshalevej 183A, Copenhagen
TL:DR – Watch guys build a rocket!
http://laesehesten.dk/ (reading horse – term for people who read much)
Place – shops all over Denmark
Price – cheap – used games, books and geek stuff.
TL:DR – recycled books, comics, games and more. Does also sell new stuff.
If you know more places, please comment on this!
So, I’ve been a tad quiet the last few days, mainly as I’ve suffered from a flu, and thus found it more interesting to sleep than to write.
But enough with fever, running nose, aching body and all that, I’m back at work, and feeling better 🙂
I have been a bit busy ingame, as some of you might have seen on my twitter.
A young frustrated teen poked me, to talk to me, something which we have been doing for quite a while now. I’ve helped him gather the courage to talk to an adult at his school, and tried to support him. Sadly things took a bad turn, as he admitted to me, to have been cutting himself and attempted to slit his wrist.
My first thought was helplines, but he refused to call a helpline, as he feared his dad would hear him talking.
I tried to persuade him to speak to his father, the adult at school, his brother anyone really. He refused.
Then I alerted the Blizzard gm’s, to have them call authorities – aka real life threat report. They promised me to proceed with the chat to someone else, and nothing else seemingly happened.
I know, that crying out for help like this, increases the risk of him actually doing it. I know having considered method, increases the risk. I know having tried, increases the risk of him doing it again. I know that males are normally more “successful” when trying to take their own life.
And I was the only one who knew. I did not even know his first name (I know now), only the country he lives in.
I talked to him a couple times more, made him promise from talk to talk, not to do anything silly, and tried to keep pushing him towards talking to his father. I offered to talk to his dad for him, but his dad sadly does not understand English.
I tried to doxx him, knowing only his btag name and country, together with a friend, but we came up short. The doxx was in case I had to call an ambulance in a matter of minutes.
Then I tried sending out a cautious whisper to a friend, seeing if anyone knew his email somehow. Careful not to make it public known ofc.
And finally… monday, the kid contacted me again, telling me, he talked to his dad. That he’s now going to live with his grandparents, and will receive proff. help. That he was slightly optimistic, and relieved that his father finally took him serious.
So, whoever you are, dear dad from a foreign country. Thank you. Thank you for seeing your son, recognising his distress, and supporting him. Thank you, for taking him serious that one time in his life, where he needed you the most.
I feel so relieved, and happy for this kid, who finally after all was talked out yesterday asked me: “I never got to ask you… what’s your name again?”
We exchanged names, and he got my cell phone number too. I don’t usually hand that out, but his internet connection by the grandparents are almost non-existant. So, I told him, if everything goes to hell, and you don’t see any way out, call me.
Take care, my young friend. You have an entire life ahead of you, and things will get better. There is another way, and while life might not always be fun, it can be a lot better than it is for you right now.
ps: I have ofcourse avoided revealing any names, countries and so forth in this post, due to the safety of the kid.
A guy shared this picture on wow reddit, and within a day, it has been viewed on Imgur 360k times.
I’m baffled. I had no idea such a small thing could ever turn into something so huge. I joined the thread as OP wrote to me ingame, and told about it, and I must say, I’m grateful for all the positive feedback from gamers in both America and EU.
I guess I might as well explain the concept behind Secret Santa, hopefully it could inspire others to do good to their community.
Secret Santa started, when a -at the time- random guy approached me ingame, shortly before Christmas.
He informed me, that he had enjoyed my posts on realm forum so much, that he wished to grant me 20k gold as a Christmas gift.
I was really touched, but at the same time felt a bit odd accepting so much money from a stranger – I mean, we all know the “random guy gives money to wow girl, because girl.” sentiment.
I thanked him very much, but declined politely, yet he insisted. After a while, we agreed that I would accept the money, but not for myself. Instead I would share them with our realm, by tricking people into doing something nice, replying kindly to a newcomer, invite newbies into RP, or simply just by watching a player do a random act of good to another player. The rewards should go to random people, no matter if they are on anyones friendslist or not. I believe we have given money to two people I know ingame so far, the rest have been complete strangers to me.
Any nice little act of positive, friendly, constructive, helpful behaviour can be rewarded if the players are lucky enough for us to notice.
We gave out 27 k gold during Christmas, continued past New Year, then took it up again during the anniversary of our realm, and trust me, I’m certain we’ll see more of this by easter, if not before.
As I write this, more than 50k gold has gone out, most from our own pockets – 7k donated kindly to us however from players who got inspired.
My friend prefers to stay anonymous, due to comments like this:
So we agreed, I would be the face behind this, as I’m quite used to being noticed already. Make no mistake however, my friend is reading the Reddit thread as well, and is equally stunned by the response as I am.
Our goal and purpose with this?
We wish to bring a smile upon the faces of our fellow players.
We wish to do our little to improve the community, by focusing on and promoting good behaviour.
We hope to inspire others to do what they can to help newcomers and their fellow gamers.
So… yesterday I was poked by a guy on my btag… I have casually spoken to him once in a while, and we have worked together on the secret santa project.
For those of you, who doesn’t know, Secret Santa started when he poked me, and offered me a gift of 20k gold, simply as a thank you, as he enjoyed my posts on realm forum. Hardly knowing the guy, I refused, and when he insisted, we made an agreement, that I would accept the sum of ingame gold, and then pass it forward to others, by locating friendly, helpful people throughout the realm, and reward them with a small surprise post and 500 gold.
During the Christmas, we gave around 27k gold away – and I got to encounter so many helpful and kind people. Honestly I believe I was the most lucky one of them all.
Recently the realm turned 10 years old, and I took it up on my own again, to celebrate this event. Secret Santa offered me additional gold for the task if need be. We also have plans to celebrate easter in a similar way, and Secret Santa has grown to be one of my friends on btag.
I’m referring to him as Secret Santa, as he prefers to remain anonymous.
Anyhow, he poked me yesterday, and asked if he could have my Skype, as he wanted to say something, and did not wish to spam me too much ingame. I accepted and he transferred a small letter through Skype to me. I’m going to give you the unedited version, except for one mentioning of his name, which I have removed.
I mean… how nice is this?
One thing is giving away such a huge sum of gold, and transmog items etc, but the letter itself made me speechless, just sitting with a big smile on my face, after reading it.
I am not yet aware why or how I deserve it… but as a friend of mine said on Skype:
I feel very humble, and lucky to have such friends. Even though I hard a very hard time taking compliments, like these, I treasure them with all my heart and is deeply touched by the act of kindness.
Thank you Secret Santa, for entering my life, determined to spoil me with the presence of you.
So it’s starting… the days grow longer, it begins slowly to get warmer, no more ice and snow.
People are celebrating valentines, new couples emerge and jumps out, as the nature welcomes them with open arms…
People go to the beach, into the garden, barbequeing their hearts out.
Co-workers come in, flashing their tans.
I get busy at work.
From now on and until June 30th, I’ll be expected to work 10-15 hours extra each week compared to normal – in periods a lot more.
My short sparetime will be devoted to WoW, and thus I will remain pale when everyone else turns brown.
This is not a big deal. Except… I’m addicted to wow. How will I manage without my weekly 50 hours of fun? My garrison growing lonely… my guild only seeing me… well… 30 hours a week… (It’s WAY too little!). Frankly – I already found 50 hours a week online to be a bit too little for my taste.
There’s only one solution. I must dump my boyfriend (just kidding, but seriously, it sucks).
Thanks Blizzard. You got me hooked. When do you make a matrix connection, so I won’t ever have to deal with IRL again?
Honestly, I would accept it.
So as those of you, who know me ingame might be aware, I’m a sucker for lore, the canon lore that is.
I’m not a huge fan of lore violation in roleplay.
That means, 30 year old orcs who were born in Durotar, Yaungols and Drakkari trolls who joined the Horde, a bloodelf who were raised by Amani trolls, or healing blademasters… No thanks. All of those, are examples I’ve encountered ingame.
I am aware some of the more special snowflakey concepts can be open for debate – like half human-orcs, I’m not a fan of such either, however, unless the story is told very well.
“Whoa, whoa whoa!” You might say: “What about the religion your clan has?? That’s clearly not lore!”
And you are right. It is implemented, recognised and acknowledged as utter fanfiction. It is not forced upon anyone to believe and accept this, especially not outside the clan.
What I can accept, and which is supported by lore, is that clans each have their own “thing” – Frostwolves are multicultural, Blackrocks drown their weaklings by birth, Stormreavers are warlocks, and Laughing Skulls are insane.
As a roleplayer, I enjoy player added ideas, when no claims are made, that it’s lore, if the story told is actually good, and when people are prepared to face any IC consequences from their actions. Also, I appreciate it only, if it does not violate any present lore.
And please – do not read any dodgy sentence in the RPG’s and claim that I should accept your unique char (which is rarely all that unique, just poorly told, far fetched and almost impossible to believe) as it’s lore. RPG is not canon – for a reason.
Regarding the “religion” within the Blackjaw Clan, it is presented as stories shared within that clan, possibly due to the huge influence a big number of warriors have had on the culture.
At some point, some of the warriors wished for more understandable believes, rather than the more mysterious ways of a Shaman, especially as the Shaman struggled communing with elements and ancestors after the blooddrinking of Mannoroth. That said, some of the Shaman within the clan, might frown upon this belief.
With a very imaginative leadership within the guild, we have over the years developed clan-specific rituals, dialect and culture.
I enjoy the clan fanfiction within the Blackjaws, for the originality, quality and thought which has been put into it.
Just as I will accept any -good- story from other players, if they actually manage to explain my char, why their Drakkari was not kill on sight, when they first met Vol’jin’s Horde.
My char might not approve of their attempts to tell, and she might not approve of their presence however. That is IC consequences from being a Drakkari within the Horde. You chose it, suck it up.